That said, I’ve ignored my inner voice a LOT and have made some crappy choices spanning the past, oh, 10 years.

Moving to London wasn’t one of them. I’ve lived here nearly a year and a half. In May, it’ll be exactly a year and a half, which is exactly the halfway point of how long we ‘have’ to be here (3 years is what we signed up for; who knows how long we’ll actually stay).

Weather aside, living here in the UK has presented greater personal challenges than I could ever imagine. I’ve cried, I’ve been angry, I’ve laughed, I’ve lived, I’ve learned. The tough times have been really, really gruelling. But all of it has taught me something. 

California can make a person soft. London has made me tough. Everything, from getting on the train in the morning, to sitting in a meeting with someone who believes their place in the British class system makes them invincible, has tested me to a place where I’ve learned to come out quietly showing teeth and standing up.

It hasn’t all been an axe to grind, though. There have been many moments of tenderness and beauty. Watching the slow sunrise as you walk across a bridge spanning the Thames makes a heart a bit softer. Meeting people from all over the world, refugees brought to a truly cosmopolitan city, reminds me that we are all one, united by our humanity on this planet. 

I had a revelation on the yoga mat recently. I was in a level 1-2 class and I got bored. Although I’ve been a practitioner for years, I’ve never really wanted to take high-level yoga classes because I felt that there were still baseline asanas that I could perfect. So, I stayed at leve 1-2, which gave me just that bit of challenge I needed, while refining my basic level-1 asanas. 

Until I got bored. For the first time on the mat, I said to myself “I’ve moved beyond this. I can challenge myself more than this.”

And that’s when the epiphany hit me: In life, as on the yoga mat, I’ve been staying in places that have kept me confortable, perhaps because I’m afraid of an unknown challenge, perhaps because I’m afraid to put myself out there, but mostly perhaps because I’m afraid of how I could meet that challenge if I allowed myself the space.

My inner voice says “Devote yourself to your ideals. Never lose your humanity.”

My dreams have been massively vivid of late. I’ve been dreaming about travelling around the world, to place I’ve been to before, and places I’ve never seen alike. I dream about being on trains, airplanes, walking the beach, driving winding roads. I’m going somewhere, but where I’m never quite sure by the time I wake up.

Equally, I’ve been having dreams about rescuing abused dogs. I love dogs, but my lifestyle doesn’t allow me to have one (I work at least 50 hours a week and am almost never home).

Even though ‘real life’ turns out to be a cost-benefit analysis that doesn’t always allow for choosing the things your heart most desires, there’s a longing and negotiation that lends itself to skilful planning – how do I make my dreams come true? What do I need to give up? how do I need to change? What do I compromise? 

These aren’t light questions. These are questions of living, and I don’t need to tell you that life’s not always easy. 

These are things my subconscious focuses on. These are the lives I’m chasing.

For those of us who didn’t grow up with much in the way of family, or those for whom family may have been unsupportive or dysfunctional, the institution of family itself doesn’t make sense. Those who grew up without it simply don’t understand why so many in this world make family such a large part of their lives.

‘Family’ in itself can be a wooly subject. I know I certainly never understood it. Those kids, at college for the first time, who missed their families, those working adults who put their families first, before anything else in their lives – none of it ever made sense to me why. From where I stood, ‘family’ was something so completely unknowable, so foreign, that it seemed, in some ways, oppressive and anti-individualistic.

It was only through meeting and getting to know my in-laws that I learned firsthand how family could be loving, supportive, and accepting. How families share secrets – not bad, terrible heavy-hearted secrets that are shameful and hide malfeasance – no, that’s what ‘secret’ means to dysfunctional families, and that’s the only definition I really knew. Healthy, functioning families, instead, hold an arsenal of honourable secrets, ones that serve to guard and protect their members from the cruel outside world, even in the smallest, most gentle ways. Secrets like comforting inside jokes, or secret, lovely family stories, or even a secret family whistle that no one outside of the family knows. Healthy families provide shelter, a respite from the cruelties of this world. This isn’t a message I knew, but it’s one I have learned.

Family’s been on the mind a lot lately. Families stick together, families support one another, families understand the members of their tribes like others don’t. (Good) families look after their kin don’t let them down.

Ask most people and they’ll tell you that ‘family’ means different things to different people. How people define what family means to them can vary drastically depending on the person you talk to. And that’s one of the great things about family, really -that it can be so many varied things, that its very existence can meet so many different needs for different people, in drastically unique ways.

We spend our lives letting people into our lives and then ushering them out sometimes, as needed. Life is a revolving door and we meet strangers who become friends, acquaintances, compatriots – those who enter our lives teach us things and freely come and go, but, ultimately, it’s family that sticks by your side to the end, whether they’re your blood relatives or not. If they’re there, they’re family, and only you can know what that means.

Family is something that, the older I get, the more I see its value. I know that what I’m building towards is to someday, have my own family, create a lineage in a way that sets a positive, healthy example, in whatever shape or form that may take.

I’ve compiled these resolutions thoughtfully, to positively kick-off a new year. Some of them are issues or ideas that have been on my mind for months now, and with Christmastime giving me room to think and re-charge, what better time than a new year to employ them?

These can be applied quite universally, as they aren’t so much traditional resolutions, but rather a mindful letting go of the old, staid behaviours, mindsets and actions that no longer serve, and making room to adopt new, positive behaviours that enrich your life and provide your soul with room to grow.

Without further ado…

1.) Do one thing everyday that inspires/nurtures the self. If each day is simply devoted to the stresses of work, commuting, and errands, it’s not much of a life, is it? These things are all necessities of life, but doing them doesn’t mean you’re really living. Take a moment each day to do one thing just for yourself. This could be sitting still for 10 minutes to breathe, writing for 15 minutes, reading a book, listening to music, whatever. Just make sure you devote that time to yourself, which is separate to the time devoted to running the machine of your life.

2.) Yoga practice devotion: for me, this is a personal resolve towards continuing my devotion to my practice, deepening my practice by increasing the frequency to a total of 6 hours/week. Yoga aligns the body with the mind, helping us become better in tune with ourselves and our paths, and to make better life decisions.

3.) Work-life balance: leaving work on time twice a week to devote adequate time to my weekly yoga practice. There’s a tendency to get mired in the day’s work, overstay, get caught up in details. However, it’s important to realise that success is not simply about working harder, but also about working smarter – better time management, as well as increased work/life balance leads to increased productivity.

4.) Meditation: finding stillness every day, if even for as little as 5 or 10 minutes at a time. The methodology is simple: I sit in stillness, listening to my breath, setting intentions for myself and asking the universe to guide me towards my ultimate destiny. One of my biggest obstacles in life is that I haven’t been able to get clear on my life’s path and purpose. This is a biggie for 2012.

5.) Confidence. All of us in this crazy world have our own experience and vision of reality, and we’re all trying to navigate life as best as we can, with whatever tools are available to us in the moment. Stop being so hard on yourself and just live. Stop thinking that others have it figured out (they don’t… they may be confident in their particular experience, but that has nothing to do with your experience or who you are). Be confident in your own opinions, thoughts, decisions and accept the actions of others without letting others’ actions cast self-doubt upon your own.

6.) Stop fidgeting. This has a lot to do with how one carries oneself. It’s important to be mindful of the presence that you bring to the world – how you present yourself to others largely determines how people receive you, view you and interact with you. I have a really bad habit of picking at my cuticles and I vow that 2012 is the year I’m finally going to stop this bad habit once and for all.

7.) Devote time to the craft. Whatever your creative expression is, ultimately, it’s your life force – it’s the thing that you live for. For me, this is writing. When you give yourself over to your creativity, you’ll notice that things align better in your life, and synchronicity increases. It’s all part of The Practice and it really does work. Self-actualisation and flexing your creativity are very much intertwined.

8.) Find time to connect with the important people in your life. Make time to communicate with your partner. Make time for stimulating conversations. Phone/email your friends. Invite people for tea. Relationships and social lives are the most important things in our lives and deserve to be nurtured.

9.) Prioritise health. This is a combination of many of the above factors – with the added mindfulness of eating well, not abusing toxic substances, and taking care of the body via exercise (for me, this is yoga and the 3+ miles I walk each day as part of my day-to-day routine). It doesn’t have to cost a lot to be healthy, and the benefits are immense and long-lasting.

And those are my 9. Here’s to a mindful, healthy, positive 2012. We have more power over our lives and experiences than we realise. Cheers to that!

The first thing I noticed was the sky. Oh lord, the sky. Vast, colourful, expansive. It was as if the divine itself was in the sky. Driving towards the horizon, I was mesmerised. Having lived in London for the past year, I had forgotten that skies like this could exist.

So much sky! Such colors!

We hadn’t truly been on vacation all year long – several long-weekend jaunts to Paris, Venice and Amsterdam notwithstanding. This was the first proper holiday all year, in time for the Christmas season. Two weeks of utter relaxation, closing out 2011 and saying hello to a pivotal (per the Mayan calendar) new year of 2012.

Two wonderful weeks of warm weather, sunshine, beautiful beaches, open roads, family togetherness, and the Christmas spirit. Possibly more joy than my heart had felt all year.

Roosters are good luck… and they are *everywhere* in Key West

Back now, suffering a bit from the pangs of vacation withdrawal, and also feeling more homesick for the USA than I have in the entire first year of living here. We’re in the UK for another two years (not that I’m counting…) and there’s a part of me that feels trapped in between appreciation for yet alliance with two different cultures, languages, frames of mind.

I miss home, I miss my culture, being able to speak my language, miss being understood within a cultural context. I miss positivity, and the absence of a class system. At the same time, I appreciate the ex-pat experience of living in a new culture, having new experiences, making new friends in a new place. Being caught between the two is the push-pull scenario for most ex-pats, and in the dreary winter months, the homesickness can be worse than ever.

And, moreover, what’s up with, right next to Sesame Street, a recommendation for a channel called ’69ferlyfe’ ?

WTF have I been watching on YouTube lately?

I could write about how it felt a little weird to be back, or could easily catalogue the differences I noticed between my perceptions of the two cultures, US and English. Or I could write about how loud and confrontational I found many of my fellow Americans to be after having adapted to Britain’s stiff-upper-lip polite social mores.

I can also write about how beautiful the coastline of my home state of California is, even moreso now that I’ve been away from it and have stopped taking it for granted. And it really is, see?

And I can write how voraciously eager I am to feel the ocean breeze and have the salty air whip against me as I take long morning runs in the mild temperatures of Southern Cali.

I can also write about how I feel like England is uncannily following me, how even after arriving in LA and gearing up for some Cali fun, I end up at the Underground Rebel Bingo Club, a super fun crazy, dirty, bingo event that was started in Clerkenwell, London and is now emceed in LA by its British founder. (Seriously, it’s spread around the world – if you have a chance to check it out, you totally should. It’s not your granny’s bingo.)

I could comment on all of those things, and about how much I miss America yet how much I’ve acclimated to England in the past year and feel now that London is home, but none of those things are as big a stone in my stomach as the realisation that hit me like a ton of bricks upon returning home.

And what exactly is that realisation?

The worrying feeling that I’ve lost my chi.

Chi, or Qi, is the Chinese term for one’s life flow, energy, and personal vitality. Basically, it’s the spirit that makes you YOU.

It’s the light behind your eyes, the inner part of you that gives your face its expressions, the inner spirit that makes you feel alive.

And, this, my friends, is what I’m afraid I’ve lost.

Is it age? Is it the challenge and weariness of navigating a difficult new city? Is it my hands, heavy with responsibility and foreboding for the future?

I’m not sure the cause, but the realisation that I think I’m dulled, tired, worn out and missing my spirit has hit me hard ever since I’ve been back.

Maybe it was all the staring at the ocean in California that made me think about the person I used to be: vivacious, curious, energetic, full of spirit and fight. I was always thinking, always wanting, always looking for fun new experiences.

And, in theory, I still am. But now I feel reticent, I feel afraid, more cautious, more guarded about going after these things. I want everyday to be exciting but sometimes feel that it’s all I can do to just get through each day and into bed at night.

But you know what? F**k that.

I’m young (well, young enough) to not feel this way. I’m also old enough to take my life into my own hands, to grasp my reality and corral it into something that feels good to me and inspires me.

Not sure when along the way I lost my chi, but I’m convinced it’s in there somewhere, and I’m determined to get it back. Starting now, it’s going to be just like the Odyssey around here, except this protagonist is going inward.

I recently read a blog by James Altucher, who blogs about using a method he calls “The Daily Practice” to bounce back from feeling stuck. The steps include attention and exercises aimed at 4 elements: Physical, Mental, Emotional and Spiritual. Likewise, my friend and former housemate, Aurora, the Queen of Transformation, does a lot of yoga and artistic exercises to keep her channels open and her creative juices flowing.

I’m thinking I’m going to take a cue from them. I like the idea of a daily practice in consciousness to reawaken that which is asleep. And I’m ready to wake up.

I’m a bit late to the game here. Much better bloggers than I were writing eulogies days ago. But it’s been on my mind and I’ve been walking past memorials, so here goes:

I’m writing this on an Apple computer. Earlier this morning, I went for a long run through Hyde Park while listening to a playlist on my Apple iPod. How many Apple products are you touching right now? How many have you touched today?

Steve Jobs revolutionized not only personal computing but how we approach consumer electronics in our daily lives. He changed how we consume music and news, revolutionized digital content, and through his products, forged new consumer relationships.

As someone who works in and is passionate about tech, and as someone who grew up in the greater Bay Area, with Silicon Valley always on the horizon, Jobs’ death feels somewhat personal to me. The evolution towards a digital lifestyle was championed by Jobs and others, and it’s what has fascinated me and allowed me to make a living working within its landscape.

He was the man who reminded us to “Think Different” and told us to “Stay hungry, stay foolish” – inspiring words to a generation of young people told again and again by the status quo what to do and how to think.

I love Apple as a brand and am saddened to think that this is a massive end for a very innovative company. It’s unknown whether Apple’s leading innovation can and will continue without Jobs himself. Nevertheless, the products he gave us and things he taught us will not be forgotten.

For a bit of inspiration, check out Jobs’ TED Talk from 2005.

Chinatown, London – Everyone knows that whichever city you’re in, the best karaoke is always in Chinatown…

I’ve jumped on board and decided to start devoting every Wednesday to avoiding meat and dairy, challenging myself to try new menu options.

Eating vegan/vegetarian in London is really quite easy, even if you eat take-out every meal. But when I have the time, I like to try making new recipes at home.

This week, I made a Vietnamese Tofu Salad. It’s delicious and simple to make:

You start by sautéing some tofu cubes, garlic, soy sauce and peanuts. Once sautéed, you place the mixture in a bowl to cool. In a separate bowl, combine chopped cucumber, coriander, lime juice and chilli oil. I like to add rice noodles, too. Let this mixture marinate in a separate bowl.

Once the tofu and peanuts have cooled, combine the two bowls into one for pure deliciousness. I love fire so I add extra chiles, and there you have it:

I really gotta work on my presentation. Plastic tupperware because mama always taught me to stay practical…

I’m going to keep at it, even though I’m more of a ‘get it done’ cook than a culinary goddess.

To check out recipes for some really amazing, irresistible vegan food, please see my friend Natasha Barnes’ blog. Natasha is a professional rock climber, devoted vegan and talented chef. Her recipes blow everyone away and she’s kind enough to share some of them on her blog.

Sometimes making just a small change to your routine, like changing how you eat and being conscious of what you eat, can make huge differences in how you experience the world and your own boundaries within it.

However you decide to do it, trying something new, if just once a week, can feel good and open doors you didn’t know existed.

]]> http://retrouver.wordpress.com/2011/09/20/wegan-vegan-wednesday/feed/ 0 retrouver IMG_0069 IMG_0070 http://retrouver.wordpress.com/2011/09/17/262/ http://retrouver.wordpress.com/2011/09/17/262/#comments Sat, 17 Sep 2011 18:02:49 +0000 Sasha http://retrouver.wordpress.com/?p=262 Continue reading →]]> There’s nothing like going to a retrospective on Nirvana (20 years of…) to make you feel old, especially if you remember listening to the music as a 13 year old.

Sadly, I only got into the music after Kurt Cobain had already died, and by then was still too young to have ever seen them live.

As I mentioned in my last post, Autumn is here, so it’s cooling down and starting to rain a bit. The days are shorter now and I’m starting to get my winter shopping planned, slowly accumulating sweaters, boots, tights. I’ve been coming across a lot of cute clothes for this season, and am quite keen on the Des Moines fashion label, made and sourced here in London.

I’m also cultivating an indoor Italian herb garden and making an effort to get outdoors more while I can, before it gets too cold. Autumn is the cleansing season, I’ve always believed, so an optimal time to plan things, prepare for winter, get things done, and begin to have everything in place to cozy up for the festive season.

I wonder how I’ll do this time around, in my second London winter? I’m more prepared, I’ll tell you that…

A grey (and rainy) autumn day in East London.

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