Moving toward our dreams

A blessed mentor of mine once told me, “Follow your inner voice, and you’ll never be lost… it’ll lead you to exactly the right places.”

 

 

That said, I’ve ignored my inner voice a LOT and have made some crappy choices spanning the past, oh, 10 years.

Moving to London wasn’t one of them. I’ve lived here nearly a year and a half. In May, it’ll be exactly a year and a half, which is exactly the halfway point of how long we ‘have’ to be here (3 years is what we signed up for; who knows how long we’ll actually stay).

Weather aside, living here in the UK has presented greater personal challenges than I could ever imagine. I’ve cried, I’ve been angry, I’ve laughed, I’ve lived, I’ve learned. The tough times have been really, really gruelling. But all of it has taught me something. 

California can make a person soft. London has made me tough. Everything, from getting on the train in the morning, to sitting in a meeting with someone who believes their place in the British class system makes them invincible, has tested me to a place where I’ve learned to come out quietly showing teeth and standing up.

It hasn’t all been an axe to grind, though. There have been many moments of tenderness and beauty. Watching the slow sunrise as you walk across a bridge spanning the Thames makes a heart a bit softer. Meeting people from all over the world, refugees brought to a truly cosmopolitan city, reminds me that we are all one, united by our humanity on this planet. 

 

 

I had a revelation on the yoga mat recently. I was in a level 1-2 class and I got bored. Although I’ve been a practitioner for years, I’ve never really wanted to take high-level yoga classes because I felt that there were still baseline asanas that I could perfect. So, I stayed at leve 1-2, which gave me just that bit of challenge I needed, while refining my basic level-1 asanas. 

Until I got bored. For the first time on the mat, I said to myself “I’ve moved beyond this. I can challenge myself more than this.”

And that’s when the epiphany hit me: In life, as on the yoga mat, I’ve been staying in places that have kept me confortable, perhaps because I’m afraid of an unknown challenge, perhaps because I’m afraid to put myself out there, but mostly perhaps because I’m afraid of how I could meet that challenge if I allowed myself the space.

 

My inner voice says “Devote yourself to your ideals. Never lose your humanity.”

 

 

My dreams have been massively vivid of late. I’ve been dreaming about travelling around the world, to place I’ve been to before, and places I’ve never seen alike. I dream about being on trains, airplanes, walking the beach, driving winding roads. I’m going somewhere, but where I’m never quite sure by the time I wake up.

Equally, I’ve been having dreams about rescuing abused dogs. I love dogs, but my lifestyle doesn’t allow me to have one (I work at least 50 hours a week and am almost never home).

Even though ‘real life’ turns out to be a cost-benefit analysis that doesn’t always allow for choosing the things your heart most desires, there’s a longing and negotiation that lends itself to skilful planning – how do I make my dreams come true? What do I need to give up? how do I need to change? What do I compromise? 

 

These aren’t light questions. These are questions of living, and I don’t need to tell you that life’s not always easy. 

 

These are things my subconscious focuses on. These are the lives I’m chasing.

 

Family

“The family is a haven in a heartless world.”  ~Attributed to Christopher Lasch

For those of us who didn’t grow up with much in the way of family, or those for whom family may have been unsupportive or dysfunctional, the institution of family itself doesn’t make sense. Those who grew up without it simply don’t understand why so many in this world make family such a large part of their lives.

‘Family’ in itself can be a wooly subject. I know I certainly never understood it. Those kids, at college for the first time, who missed their families, those working adults who put their families first, before anything else in their lives – none of it ever made sense to me why. From where I stood, ‘family’ was something so completely unknowable, so foreign, that it seemed, in some ways, oppressive and anti-individualistic.

It was only through meeting and getting to know my in-laws that I learned firsthand how family could be loving, supportive, and accepting. How families share secrets – not bad, terrible heavy-hearted secrets that are shameful and hide malfeasance – no, that’s what ‘secret’ means to dysfunctional families, and that’s the only definition I really knew. Healthy, functioning families, instead, hold an arsenal of honourable secrets, ones that serve to guard and protect their members from the cruel outside world, even in the smallest, most gentle ways. Secrets like comforting inside jokes, or secret, lovely family stories, or even a secret family whistle that no one outside of the family knows. Healthy families provide shelter, a respite from the cruelties of this world. This isn’t a message I knew, but it’s one I have learned.

Family’s been on the mind a lot lately. Families stick together, families support one another, families understand the members of their tribes like others don’t. (Good) families look after their kin don’t let them down.

Ask most people and they’ll tell you that ‘family’ means different things to different people. How people define what family means to them can vary drastically depending on the person you talk to. And that’s one of the great things about family, really -that it can be so many varied things, that its very existence can meet so many different needs for different people, in drastically unique ways.

We spend our lives letting people into our lives and then ushering them out sometimes, as needed. Life is a revolving door and we meet strangers who become friends, acquaintances, compatriots – those who enter our lives teach us things and freely come and go, but, ultimately, it’s family that sticks by your side to the end, whether they’re your blood relatives or not. If they’re there, they’re family, and only you can know what that means.

Family is something that, the older I get, the more I see its value. I know that what I’m building towards is to someday, have my own family, create a lineage in a way that sets a positive, healthy example, in whatever shape or form that may take.

2012 – a shift in consciousness?

Happy 2012! Yep, this is the resolutions post, and while it is personal, I’ve written bits of these in the passive voice in hopes that they may inspire or be useful to others making their own resolutions for the year.

I’ve compiled these resolutions thoughtfully, to positively kick-off a new year. Some of them are issues or ideas that have been on my mind for months now, and with Christmastime giving me room to think and re-charge, what better time than a new year to employ them?

These can be applied quite universally, as they aren’t so much traditional resolutions, but rather a mindful letting go of the old, staid behaviours, mindsets and actions that no longer serve, and making room to adopt new, positive behaviours that enrich your life and provide your soul with room to grow.

Without further ado…

We went back to the States again for the Christmas holidays and this time, it was like a ton of bricks hitting me. After a difficult first year in a new country (as any first year is bound to be, chaotic, uncomfortable and like growing into a new, unknown skin), this was the holiday to end out the year, and, lord, had we been lurching toward it at full speed. By the time we arrived, I was ready to switch off and completely devote myself to the experience: beaches, great weather, and a cozy family Christmas on Florida’s gulf coast.

 

The first thing I noticed was the sky. Oh lord, the sky. Vast, colourful, expansive. It was as if the divine itself was in the sky. Driving towards the horizon, I was mesmerised. Having lived in London for the past year, I had forgotten that skies like this could exist.

So much sky! Such colors!

We hadn’t truly been on vacation all year long – several long-weekend jaunts to Paris, Venice and Amsterdam notwithstanding. This was the first proper holiday all year, in time for the Christmas season. Two weeks of utter relaxation, closing out 2011 and saying hello to a pivotal (per the Mayan calendar) new year of 2012.

Two wonderful weeks of warm weather, sunshine, beautiful beaches, open roads, family togetherness, and the Christmas spirit. Possibly more joy than my heart had felt all year.

Roosters are good luck… and they are *everywhere* in Key West

Back now, suffering a bit from the pangs of vacation withdrawal, and also feeling more homesick for the USA than I have in the entire first year of living here. We’re in the UK for another two years (not that I’m counting…) and there’s a part of me that feels trapped in between appreciation for yet alliance with two different cultures, languages, frames of mind.

I miss home, I miss my culture, being able to speak my language, miss being understood within a cultural context. I miss positivity, and the absence of a class system. At the same time, I appreciate the ex-pat experience of living in a new culture, having new experiences, making new friends in a new place. Being caught between the two is the push-pull scenario for most ex-pats, and in the dreary winter months, the homesickness can be worse than ever.

Good lord

Thanks, YouTube.  Based on my viewing history, apparently Sesame Street is a channel recommendation?? Whaaat?

And, moreover, what’s up with, right next to Sesame Street, a recommendation for a channel called ’69ferlyfe’ ?

WTF have I been watching on YouTube lately?

Have I lost my chi?

I went back to the US for the first time in nearly a year since moving to the UK, and consequently, there’s lots I can write about.

I could write about how it felt a little weird to be back, or could easily catalogue the differences I noticed between my perceptions of the two cultures, US and English. Or I could write about how loud and confrontational I found many of my fellow Americans to be after having adapted to Britain’s stiff-upper-lip polite social mores.

I can also write about how beautiful the coastline of my home state of California is, even moreso now that I’ve been away from it and have stopped taking it for granted. And it really is, see?

And I can write how voraciously eager I am to feel the ocean breeze and have the salty air whip against me as I take long morning runs in the mild temperatures of Southern Cali.

I can also write about how I feel like England is uncannily following me, how even after arriving in LA and gearing up for some Cali fun, I end up at the Underground Rebel Bingo Club, a super fun crazy, dirty, bingo event that was started in Clerkenwell, London and is now emceed in LA by its British founder. (Seriously, it’s spread around the world – if you have a chance to check it out, you totally should. It’s not your granny’s bingo.)

I could comment on all of those things, and about how much I miss America yet how much I’ve acclimated to England in the past year and feel now that London is home, but none of those things are as big a stone in my stomach as the realisation that hit me like a ton of bricks upon returning home.

And what exactly is that realisation?

The worrying feeling that I’ve lost my chi.

RIP Steve Jobs: 1955 – 2011

Ad-hoc memorial set up by fans at the Apple Store on Regent Street in London last week

I’m a bit late to the game here. Much better bloggers than I were writing eulogies days ago. But it’s been on my mind and I’ve been walking past memorials, so here goes:

I’m writing this on an Apple computer. Earlier this morning, I went for a long run through Hyde Park while listening to a playlist on my Apple iPod. How many Apple products are you touching right now? How many have you touched today?

Steve Jobs revolutionized not only personal computing but how we approach consumer electronics in our daily lives. He changed how we consume music and news, revolutionized digital content, and through his products, forged new consumer relationships.

As someone who works in and is passionate about tech, and as someone who grew up in the greater Bay Area, with Silicon Valley always on the horizon, Jobs’ death feels somewhat personal to me. The evolution towards a digital lifestyle was championed by Jobs and others, and it’s what has fascinated me and allowed me to make a living working within its landscape.

He was the man who reminded us to “Think Different” and told us to “Stay hungry, stay foolish” – inspiring words to a generation of young people told again and again by the status quo what to do and how to think.

I love Apple as a brand and am saddened to think that this is a massive end for a very innovative company. It’s unknown whether Apple’s leading innovation can and will continue without Jobs himself. Nevertheless, the products he gave us and things he taught us will not be forgotten.

For a bit of inspiration, check out Jobs’ TED Talk from 2005.

 

 

 

Chinatown, London – Everyone knows that whichever city you’re in, the best karaoke is always in Chinatown…

 

 

 

Wegan (Vegan) Wednesday

I heard about this concept called “Wegan Wednesday” where you eat vegan just one day each week.

I’ve jumped on board and decided to start devoting every Wednesday to avoiding meat and dairy, challenging myself to try new menu options.

Eating vegan/vegetarian in London is really quite easy, even if you eat take-out every meal. But when I have the time, I like to try making new recipes at home.

This week, I made a Vietnamese Tofu Salad. It’s delicious and simple to make:

You start by sautéing some tofu cubes, garlic, soy sauce and peanuts. Once sautéed, you place the mixture in a bowl to cool. In a separate bowl, combine chopped cucumber, coriander, lime juice and chilli oil. I like to add rice noodles, too. Let this mixture marinate in a separate bowl.

Once the tofu and peanuts have cooled, combine the two bowls into one for pure deliciousness. I love fire so I add extra chiles, and there you have it:

I really gotta work on my presentation. Plastic tupperware because mama always taught me to stay practical…

I’m going to keep at it, even though I’m more of a ‘get it done’ cook than a culinary goddess.

To check out recipes for some really amazing, irresistible vegan food, please see my friend Natasha Barnes’ blog. Natasha is a professional rock climber, devoted vegan and talented chef. Her recipes blow everyone away and she’s kind enough to share some of them on her blog.

Sometimes making just a small change to your routine, like changing how you eat and being conscious of what you eat, can make huge differences in how you experience the world and your own boundaries within it.

However you decide to do it, trying something new, if just once a week, can feel good and open doors you didn’t know existed.

There’s nothing like going to a retrospective on Nirvana (20 years of…) to make you feel old, especially if you remember listening to the music as a 13 year old.

Sadly, I only got into the music after Kurt Cobain had already died, and by then was still too young to have ever seen them live.

             

As I mentioned in my last post, Autumn is here, so it’s cooling down and starting to rain a bit. The days are shorter now and I’m starting to get my winter shopping planned, slowly accumulating sweaters, boots, tights. I’ve been coming across a lot of cute clothes for this season, and am quite keen on the Des Moines fashion label, made and sourced here in London.

I’m also cultivating an indoor Italian herb garden and making an effort to get outdoors more while I can, before it gets too cold. Autumn is the cleansing season, I’ve always believed, so an optimal time to plan things, prepare for winter, get things done, and begin to have everything in place to cozy up for the festive season.

I wonder how I’ll do this time around, in my second London winter? I’m more prepared, I’ll tell you that…

A grey (and rainy) autumn day in East London.